I will Miss You Mum

Kyrɛ mase, Agya kyre mase,….

Mentume ntiase, Ɛyɛ me sum asem

Kyrɛ mase, Agya kyrɛ mase

These are lyrics from one of my mum’s favorite songs. A song performed by Prof Kofi Abraham, one of her favorite Ghanaian gospel artistes. Indeed, I cannot understand and only God can explain why this has to befall me now.

It was past midnight getting to dawn in the U.S while it was past midday getting to the evening in Ghana on that fateful December 12. Gertie had sent me a text message that our mother had been rushed to the hospital and Oforiwaa was with her and everything was being done to make sure she was fine. Alas, when her call came again, I thought it was going to be that she was ok and had been discharged from the hospital, No!!, it was the bad news. Our mother was no more. Indeed, I cannot understand, only God can explain.

Maa, as we affectionately called her, was everything to us. Right from our births, she trained us in the way of the Lord. She lived and walked in the biblical word that, “train up a child in the way he should go and when he’s old, he would not depart from it.” Right from Hohoe, where we spent a chunk of our teenage lives through Tetrem and later to Mampong, Maa always made sure we held our dawn prayers. This has become a part of our family traditions. Maa will always ask us to pray before we eat, drink and even before we go out from the house. She always prayed with us especially before we travel. Her constant fasting and prayers for us have kept us safe and sound.

My mum with my daughter Etornam Abena Amoakoa

Not only that, but she taught us to love the Lord and the things of the Lord. She was a Sunday school teacher, cell group leader and would later become a presbytress, an evangelist and a lay preacher. No wonder my sisters  Oforiwaa, Gertie and I found ourselves in the choir at the Great Commission Church back in the days at Hohoe and later Kumasi, Accra and Mampong. Gertie later became an award winning Sunday school teacher. Our dad always joked that our mum would want to greet everybody after church including the empty chairs and instruments before coming back home. Such was the love our mum had for the Lord. She told us to join any bible believing church where there was no GCCI. I am sure there will be friends at the funerals who would be there not because of anything but because we attend a church other than GCCI. She indeed trained us in the way of the Lord. This, we have also taken up and doing same with our children.

Maa, made sure we had the best of education. Even when our daddy lost his job and it was tough, our mother took it upon herself not only to educate us but to send us to the best schools. All of us attended private school at the time with their expensive school fees, Maa made sure she paid our fees. During the time in Hohoe, Happy Home Preparatory School was the best and most expensive private school. We all attended Happy Home. She singlehandedly saw to it that we had the best of secondary education even if she had to take loans. We all attended boarding schools and not only that but some of the best schools in the country. I attended Kumasi High School and my siblings attended Mawuli School. I remember vividly when she had to use part of her pension gratuity to pay for my admission fees at the Ghana Institute of Journalism. Today, we have education and are all doing well in our respective fields, thanks to our mum’s resolve to see us have the best of education.

My mum with three of her grandchildren, Afriyie, Edem and Ohemaa

She was very responsible making sure we never went hungry. Maa will go borrowing just to make sure we had food to eat or we had enough provisions to send to school. I remember those days when she would bring food from the kitchen of Hohoe E.P Secondary School (HEPSS) where she taught for almost two decades. I also recall when she brought home, food from her students’ practicals. She taught Home Economics and foods and nutrition was part of the courses that students had to cook.

I remember those days when we watched soccer games together. She knew the names of most of the players and it was fun watching games with her. I am a Chelsea fan and she, a Manchester United fan. She would call me especially on Mondays or Tuesdays either to tease me if Chelsea lost or to give excuses if United lost. We both loved Kotoko so it would all be praise for the team or consolation if the team either won or lost. No wonder her favorite television program was Sports Highlights on GTV. She was an all rounder. 

Maa made sure we were happy in our marriages. She told us, if she didn’t enjoy her marriage to the fullest, we had to. Maa supported us in diverse ways during our weddings. She signed Nana Yaw, Oforiwaa and my marriage certificates when we got married and had planned Gertie’s marriage with her and the husband. She actually proposed they did it in Christmas but she never lived to be a part of that. She was a friend to our spouses and a wonderful grandmother to our children. She witnessed the birth of all our children and bathed each and every single one of them spending at least three months with all of her grandchildren after birth. She had a strong bond with our children. They certainly will miss her. She always bought cookies and candies for our kids. She always pampered them. Who will do these things for them again? Indeed most people say you over pampered Edem, No you didn’t it was because you always wanted to do things you couldn’t for us for him.

Our mother also had a wonderful relationship with our friends. She was a mother to our friends as well. She shared in their victories as well as problems. She was in constant touch with them, calling them and making sure they were ok. Indeed, she called one of my childhood friends, Joel just a week before her death and they spoke for more than forty five minutes. Such was the bond our mum had with our friends. My friend and brother Kofi Sah was a close confidant of my mother. Eugene, Maxwell, Kwabena Ansah, Kwame Sarfo, Bob, Brother and my other friends have indeed lost a mother. Who will cook for them when they visit Mampong? Who will advise them when they have problems?

My mum with my other siblings, Nana Yaw, Oforiwaa, Gertie and me

One thing that she always emphasized on was for us her children to be united. She made sure we always came together to spend Christmas. This became a family tradition. I remember the wonderful cakes and other pastries she used to bake during our traditional family Christmas get-togethers. The food and the Christmas carols and the wonderful times we spent together as a family. One thing is for sure, things will never be the same again. Maa, you held us together and we promise to remain united. Our fervent desire and prayer had always been for our mother to live long and enjoy the fruits of her labour. But God knows best.

 In the few weeks before her death, anytime she called me, she emphasized that I always read my bible and pray. My wife was supposed to send the kids to Mampong for vacation. They had planned everything and had spoken on Tuesday then she died on Thursday. It is still sad to believe she is gone. Who am I to question God? I take consolation in the fact that you have gone to a better place; a place where you can pray and intervene for us better.

You always asked me to always sing a song I used to lead the choir sing back in Hohoe, “He will not let me fall”; it is a song I will always sing when things are good or bad. It was one of your favorite songs and you gave me presents anytime I led this song. I now understand why you loved this song. Good bye mum fare thee well I know He will indeed not let me fall.

I look up to the mountains; to hills I turn my eyes,

Who will come to help me? Can I find a place to hide?

 The Lord is there to help me and He will not let me fall,

He will not let me fall; he will not let me fall.

 He’s never weary and he will not let me fall

                                 

Happy Belated Birthday and a Happy Valentine’s Day Mum

My mum would have turned 70 on Tuesday February 11. She died exactly two months to her 70^th birthday. Prior to her death, all her children had special plans for her. I remember discussing having a party for her once with my brother last year. Apparently, he was bringing his wife to join him in Canada and so we had to forgo that idea. I also remember us discussing bringing her to Canada for a surprise visit and we were thinking of how to raise funds for this surprise. Indeed we had discussed this exactly a week before she died. I had planned to tell him when he called again that I would contribute some amount to her trip because she would have passed through my place. (He was to call me on the day my mum died)

 I had also discussed a lot of ideas of surprise events for my mum with my sisters and my wife. But as fate will have it, she never lived to see these surprises. Instead, all the resources are being gathered to give her a befitting burial. I guess we should have done all these before she died perhaps when she was 65, 60 or maybe just every birthday. But who are we to blame the master of the universe who has his own reasons. This has taught me to do whatever I have to do to help anybody today. Tomorrow may never come and “Had I known” is always the language of the fool.

My mum and I, 1994.

All my life, only four people have taken my birthday seriously and have over the years showed a lot of concern on my birthday. Top on the list is my mum the other three are my two sisters and my wife. Growing up, my mum always had something special for me on my birthday. I remember her baking cake, bread or even preparing a special dish on my birthday. During my days there was nothing like taking someone out and even if there was, there was no "decent" place then in Hohoe where I grew up. I’m sure my mum wouldn’t even have the financial wherewithal to take me out on my birthday even if there was. In spite of all these, she always remembered my birthday. During my days in Kumasi High School, she didn’t visit me that regularly but on the few occasions she came, she timed her visits to coincide with my birthday. My mum has wished me a happy birthday every birthday of my life as far as I can remember. So have my two sisters and my wife since we started dating and subsequently married.

For some reasons which I don’t understand, I always forgot hers and so my sisters always called me to remind me to wish my mum a happy birthday. Last year, her birthday was in my plans but I remember my sisters and my wife had to call me early in the morning to remind me. I had an assignment at the White House so was very busy. I managed to call her around 5 pm EST  which was around 11 pm GMT. She was happy and told me she knew I was going to call her. After wishing her a happy birthday, our conversation ended up with her wishing me well and more blessings than I wished her.

My mum also wished all my siblings a happy birthday and gave them special treats in her own right. She always reminded me to call my siblings to wish them well on their birthdays. She kept the birthdays of almost all the people who stayed with her and other family members. She made birthdays simply enjoyable.

My mum and I on my graduation day, 2007

Growing up, we never placed so much value on Valentine’s Day. It was in Kumasi High School that I learnt to wish my mother a happy Val’s Day. I will talk about that one day. Ever since, I have always called my mum to wish her. Last year, when I called, she said she was expecting me to wish her and that I was the only person who makes her feel the spirit behind Valentine’s Day.  I felt proud.  I could not call her on her birthday and I can’t wish her a happy Valentine’s Day but all I can say is that, in spite of her financial difficulties at the time, she made our birthdays wonderful. We couldn’t make hers special as we planned. Just when we thought we were going to make this year a year to remember for her, she left.

Happy Belated Birthday Maa!!! Happy Valentine’s Day Mum!!! I know you are reading this with a smile. Just as you made my birthdays special I have learnt to do whatever I have to do now to make other people's days

special. I don’t have to be rich to make people happy. Thanks for all you’ve done.

Happy 70^th Anniversary.

My Mum, Marriage, Family and Friends

One thing my mum always wished for her children was a happy marriage. My mum got her marriage registered in 1974 at the Registrar General's Office in Accra. My dad had done the traditional rites two years earlier. She had four of us, boy, a girl, another girl and me in that order. She lost two children in between the first. My mum’s marriage was not a happy one. She once told me she has never enjoyed marriage like some of our pastors did. She was telling me of how she admired how one of her spiritual fathers, Rev. JFK Mensah was talking about his wife.

My dad was not the ideal husband one would ever be proud of as a wife. But my mum

 made her marriage such that, most people were surprised how she survived it. In their first few years of marriage, a child my dad had with another woman long before he married my mum had been brought to the house because the child’s mother had decided she was not going to look after him again. Any wife in my mum’s shoes would have refused to look after a child she was never aware of or even left the marriage but my mum never did that. She took care of the child through his basic education right to the university. Today, he is doing very well in his field of endeavor. He was not the only one my mum took care of.  She also took care of children of other family members. Most of the people my mum took care of were members of my dad’s family.

My dad and mum as they formalized their marriage in 1974

Today, most of them are doing well in their respective fields. They were mostly children of my dad’s siblings who stayed with her and attended school or had to be put into a profession all through my mum’s efforts. At a family meeting one of these beneficiaries who is a cousin boldly said my mum never took care of her, but it is a well known fact that she did. When I told my mum, she only told me not to worry but that she was happy my cousin was doing well and that was what mattered most to her. She was not too worried about the level of ingratitude showed by this cousin or others she singlehandedly looked after. She was rather happy they were doing well. Of course some of them always thanked her for taking care of them during their stay with her. Sometimes, I tell myself, if my mum had not looked after these people especially the “ungrateful ones” and had left them to their fate, maybe, she would have had enough energy and resources to take care of us her children. But she “always left everything” to God.

My mum also had an excellent relationship with other members of my dad’s family. Not only them but other people from my dad’s hometown, such was the relationship that, till her death, wherever she was, my dad’s family members always came to visit her. I am sure most of them will also be at her funeral not because of my dad but because of the personal relationship she had with them. Another interesting thing was that, she also learnt and spoke the native Avatime language fluently. I will dwell on my mum’s linguistics prowess in subsequent articles.

During the hard times, my mum never complained and always advised us never to discuss our marital issues with anyone. Determined to see us succeed in marriage, my mum made sure she was part of planning our weddings and marriage ceremonies. She sponsored my big brother and sister’s weddings and also prepared the pastries served at the weddings. Yes, that was how far my mum went to make sure we had a happy marriage. During my wedding at Akuafo Hall at the University of Ghana in 2010, my mum asked her friend to prepare pastries because she didn’t have the time to prepare them herself. We didn’t plan to include pastries during refreshment. So if you enjoyed pastries at my wedding, my mum sponsored it.

My mum, me and my wife on our engagement day 25th March 2010

She also signed the marriage certificates at all our weddings except my sister Gertie’s.  Indeed, she had planned Gertie’s wedding with her and suggested to her to push the ceremony to Christmas only for her to die two weeks before the time. She wished us well in our marriage so much that she was very close to our spouses. Indeed, our spouses will attest to the fact that, not all mother-in-laws will have a relationship like our mum had with them. My mum spent at least two months with all her grandchildren when they were born bathing them and making sure their mothers were very fine before she left. My mum had eleven grandchildren.

Today, we are all happy in our marriages and we hope it continues like this till the end. After all, in her difficult marriage, she lived the Christian marital principle “for better, for worse” and stayed till death parted them. She also had an excellent relationship with our children- her grandchildren. She loved them and they loved her. She had special names for all of them. For example, she called my daughter Etornam Abena Amoakoa whom I named after her “Mommie” a name most people now call my daughter.

As indicated elsewhere, my dad did not live up to his duties as a father and a husband satisfactorily perhaps due to his early retirement from government work. It was my mum who took care of us and the other family members who stayed with us. She had friends who were well connected. I stated in my last article how I got to Kumasi High School. I remember I was suffering from a skin problem in the early 90s. One of my mum’s closest confidants and a business man in Hohoe, Mr. John Kwabena Adom, saw my situation and took me to Rabito Clinic in Osu, Accra. Rabito clinic remains one of the best and most expensive clinics when it comes to issues of dermatology. All the money my mum had then was 20,000 cedis now 2 cedis. The man spent more than 100,000 cedis now 10 cedis. In the early 90s, that was a fortune. Wofa as I called Mr Adom, never took any money from me but made sure my mum took me for check up until I was okay.

Wofa also took me to John Teye Memorial School to write the entrance exams because of my music talents. The school was noted for its musical prowess in the days. I was on the waiting list for a long time and we had to abandon the idea in the end. Another of my mum’s friends Mrs Joyce Adom also took me as a son sponsoring all my pre-secondary school classes and all my secondary school vacation classes from first year to final year. Not only that, her son Joshua became my brother. Till today, people still think I’m her last born son. Other friends of my mum like the Dzimega family of Hohoe also took me as a son and people also think I am the last of the Dzimega children. My mum’s other friends also helped my other siblings one way or the other. Yes such was the strength and influence of my mum’s friendship.

My mum signing my marriage certificate on 27th March 2010

In my previous article, I wrote about how my mum took my friends as sons. She was always in constant touch with them. People see my friend and brother Kofi Sah who lived close to my mum in Mampong as my mum’s son and rightly so because she took him as such and he also took her as a mother. They both knew each other’s movement because they were in constant communication. My mum called one of my childhood best friends Joel, a week before she died and they spoke for more than forty five minutes. Yes, that was my mum. There was no day that my mum would call and wouldn’t ask of at least three of my friends or would not tell me about one or two of my siblings’ friends. I dare say she took our friendships with our friends even more seriously than ourselves.

I am happy she left us with friends we can depend on and call parents any day. I am happy she made us choose some of the most responsible friends. My mum’s choice of friends helped me to make friends who always had and continue to have positive influence on my life. She taught me that, once you help someone, forget whether the person shows appreciation or not. She taught me to be a responsible father and husband. She helped me to understand that, if she didn’t enjoy her marriage, I should enjoy mine and make my wife happy.

Thanks mum; I promise to continue being a responsible father and a good husband.  Rest in Peace.