My Mum, Marriage, Family and Friends

One thing my mum always wished for her children was a happy marriage. My mum got her marriage registered in 1974 at the Registrar General's Office in Accra. My dad had done the traditional rites two years earlier. She had four of us, boy, a girl, another girl and me in that order. She lost two children in between the first. My mum’s marriage was not a happy one. She once told me she has never enjoyed marriage like some of our pastors did. She was telling me of how she admired how one of her spiritual fathers, Rev. JFK Mensah was talking about his wife.

My dad was not the ideal husband one would ever be proud of as a wife. But my mum

 made her marriage such that, most people were surprised how she survived it. In their first few years of marriage, a child my dad had with another woman long before he married my mum had been brought to the house because the child’s mother had decided she was not going to look after him again. Any wife in my mum’s shoes would have refused to look after a child she was never aware of or even left the marriage but my mum never did that. She took care of the child through his basic education right to the university. Today, he is doing very well in his field of endeavor. He was not the only one my mum took care of.  She also took care of children of other family members. Most of the people my mum took care of were members of my dad’s family.

My dad and mum as they formalized their marriage in 1974

Today, most of them are doing well in their respective fields. They were mostly children of my dad’s siblings who stayed with her and attended school or had to be put into a profession all through my mum’s efforts. At a family meeting one of these beneficiaries who is a cousin boldly said my mum never took care of her, but it is a well known fact that she did. When I told my mum, she only told me not to worry but that she was happy my cousin was doing well and that was what mattered most to her. She was not too worried about the level of ingratitude showed by this cousin or others she singlehandedly looked after. She was rather happy they were doing well. Of course some of them always thanked her for taking care of them during their stay with her. Sometimes, I tell myself, if my mum had not looked after these people especially the “ungrateful ones” and had left them to their fate, maybe, she would have had enough energy and resources to take care of us her children. But she “always left everything” to God.

My mum also had an excellent relationship with other members of my dad’s family. Not only them but other people from my dad’s hometown, such was the relationship that, till her death, wherever she was, my dad’s family members always came to visit her. I am sure most of them will also be at her funeral not because of my dad but because of the personal relationship she had with them. Another interesting thing was that, she also learnt and spoke the native Avatime language fluently. I will dwell on my mum’s linguistics prowess in subsequent articles.

During the hard times, my mum never complained and always advised us never to discuss our marital issues with anyone. Determined to see us succeed in marriage, my mum made sure she was part of planning our weddings and marriage ceremonies. She sponsored my big brother and sister’s weddings and also prepared the pastries served at the weddings. Yes, that was how far my mum went to make sure we had a happy marriage. During my wedding at Akuafo Hall at the University of Ghana in 2010, my mum asked her friend to prepare pastries because she didn’t have the time to prepare them herself. We didn’t plan to include pastries during refreshment. So if you enjoyed pastries at my wedding, my mum sponsored it.

My mum, me and my wife on our engagement day 25th March 2010

She also signed the marriage certificates at all our weddings except my sister Gertie’s.  Indeed, she had planned Gertie’s wedding with her and suggested to her to push the ceremony to Christmas only for her to die two weeks before the time. She wished us well in our marriage so much that she was very close to our spouses. Indeed, our spouses will attest to the fact that, not all mother-in-laws will have a relationship like our mum had with them. My mum spent at least two months with all her grandchildren when they were born bathing them and making sure their mothers were very fine before she left. My mum had eleven grandchildren.

Today, we are all happy in our marriages and we hope it continues like this till the end. After all, in her difficult marriage, she lived the Christian marital principle “for better, for worse” and stayed till death parted them. She also had an excellent relationship with our children- her grandchildren. She loved them and they loved her. She had special names for all of them. For example, she called my daughter Etornam Abena Amoakoa whom I named after her “Mommie” a name most people now call my daughter.

As indicated elsewhere, my dad did not live up to his duties as a father and a husband satisfactorily perhaps due to his early retirement from government work. It was my mum who took care of us and the other family members who stayed with us. She had friends who were well connected. I stated in my last article how I got to Kumasi High School. I remember I was suffering from a skin problem in the early 90s. One of my mum’s closest confidants and a business man in Hohoe, Mr. John Kwabena Adom, saw my situation and took me to Rabito Clinic in Osu, Accra. Rabito clinic remains one of the best and most expensive clinics when it comes to issues of dermatology. All the money my mum had then was 20,000 cedis now 2 cedis. The man spent more than 100,000 cedis now 10 cedis. In the early 90s, that was a fortune. Wofa as I called Mr Adom, never took any money from me but made sure my mum took me for check up until I was okay.

Wofa also took me to John Teye Memorial School to write the entrance exams because of my music talents. The school was noted for its musical prowess in the days. I was on the waiting list for a long time and we had to abandon the idea in the end. Another of my mum’s friends Mrs Joyce Adom also took me as a son sponsoring all my pre-secondary school classes and all my secondary school vacation classes from first year to final year. Not only that, her son Joshua became my brother. Till today, people still think I’m her last born son. Other friends of my mum like the Dzimega family of Hohoe also took me as a son and people also think I am the last of the Dzimega children. My mum’s other friends also helped my other siblings one way or the other. Yes such was the strength and influence of my mum’s friendship.

My mum signing my marriage certificate on 27th March 2010

In my previous article, I wrote about how my mum took my friends as sons. She was always in constant touch with them. People see my friend and brother Kofi Sah who lived close to my mum in Mampong as my mum’s son and rightly so because she took him as such and he also took her as a mother. They both knew each other’s movement because they were in constant communication. My mum called one of my childhood best friends Joel, a week before she died and they spoke for more than forty five minutes. Yes, that was my mum. There was no day that my mum would call and wouldn’t ask of at least three of my friends or would not tell me about one or two of my siblings’ friends. I dare say she took our friendships with our friends even more seriously than ourselves.

I am happy she left us with friends we can depend on and call parents any day. I am happy she made us choose some of the most responsible friends. My mum’s choice of friends helped me to make friends who always had and continue to have positive influence on my life. She taught me that, once you help someone, forget whether the person shows appreciation or not. She taught me to be a responsible father and husband. She helped me to understand that, if she didn’t enjoy her marriage, I should enjoy mine and make my wife happy.

Thanks mum; I promise to continue being a responsible father and a good husband.  Rest in Peace.